Permission to Pause ⏸️🌬️🤍
Greetings from McCarren Park in Williamsburg! It’s my first time back here without a pup, and I’ve stationed myself next to a real cutie who appears to be off-leash and bribable. It feels different and still, I can acknowledge it as a new kind of good.
Last week it seemed like everyone was sick and this week it seems like everyone is overwhelmed. Me included. So today, I’m doing something elusive (please read with a think French accent)— I believe they call it taking zeee break.
This morning, I rode my bike north after a physical therapy session for my back — again. It’s a new PT place and the guy has lots of great questions. This time around during the intake, I’ve dared myself to be honest. I don’t talk about how strong I am. I don’t lead with my weakness. I take a deep breath and simply acknowledge my pattern. I get excited, I do too much. I get hurt or feel sick. And right back to square one.
He looks over my chart. I feel like one of those old school ads — but wait! There’s more! Recently, the list got longer. I did some genetic testing and discovered that I have a SMAD3 mutation, which is a connective tissue disorder and likely the cause of all these heart attacks, scoliosis, and general easy-to-injure, slow-to-recovery-ness in my body.
Rae passed, Scarlett gone, new diagnosis… I can literally feel the energy and enthusiasm leaking out of me. Subconsciously, I’m asking the question: why me? I hate the whininess of this question. It makes me think of a toddler. Except, at least they’re honest about it. They don’t mess around with a Protestant work ethic or martyrdom. Waaaaaaaaah! they scream when they get overwhelmed until hopefully, someone gives them a bottle or a nap.
There, there, Mary. Would you like a matcha latte?
Girl, YESSSSSSSS. 🍵🍵🍵
I don’t mean to patronize the feeling of being overwhelmed. Not at all. Asking “why me” (even if it’s only subconsciously) is like acknowledging a trove of difficult emotions, including anger, frustration, and fear. It’s a lot to get through.
Subconsciously, we associate being overwhelmed with being in danger. It’s a biological response. True for animals, prehistoric man, plants even. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
It’s easier to talk about being overwhelmed than “why me.” But I know that there’s something in the word “me” that is asking for attention. The “me” is personal. I need to learn from and tend to this — even if I don’t like it.
My body won’t let me ignore this feeling. Last week I felt awful. So much heartburn, so many headaches. I tried all my active recipes to feel better but nothing worked.
So this week, I’m only working part-time. Three hours a day. That’s it. Whatever I don’t get done in that time will either evaporate or have to wait until next week. My body and spirit need a recharge.
The only answer to being overwhelmed is to pause and take a little better care of myself. Close the door and create the opportunity to pause, feel cared for, and spacious again.
If you think I’m talking to you, I am. We all slide into this spot at one point or another. A pause is a healthy human response to being past our capacity. And it’s available to all of us, all the time. Whether we know it or believe it or not. We’re the only one that we need to get permission from.
My friends, I implore you, when you feel hit over the head, don’t jump back up. Instead of fight or flight, I am going to ask you (and me) to opt for door #3: Stay Down. For just a minute, pool in the gravity of this moment, enjoy the respite of letting go of your to-do list. For just a few minutes, let yourself respond rather than react.
This week, I met a woman at the pharmacy. She had a massive open wound on her chest, a response to a wicked spider bite. She was barely able to walk.
“I just have to get better by Friday,” she told me as I helped her out the door.
“What’s happening Friday?” I asked, eyeing the truly gross pussiness of her owie. I expected to hear about an impending parole hearing, court date, or wedding of an estranged son.
“My friend’s having a party. I have to be able to wear my dress.”
Yeah, no. Pull the brakes, babe.
Guys, this is where it’s helpful to have had so many stints in the hospital. Trust me. Whatever she or me or you thinks is a “have to do” is 99% a want to do. Almost everything can be shuffled or deleted in your life. You’re giving me a dirty look right now? I’ll take it. Your situation is different? OK, I’ll give you an extra 10%. But that’s IT.
I am here on your screen right now with a message. CHILL OUT. Listen to the part of yourself that wants to do less. Respect it as the teacher and cheerleader it is.
Here’s the dare: take something off your plate. Do something you subconsciously believe you may not yet deserve — be good to yourself.
These are the 3 things I’ve found this week to make me happier to stay still.
Bonsai exhibit in the Brooklyn Botanical Garden: These babies are ancient and prized not for how much they grow, but for how much they Don’t grow. If you look closely, you will see all sorts of wires supporting their branches. We all need support for our branches. 🥰🥰🥰
Essential oils in the shower
All it takes is a few drops sprinkled onto the floor, just slightly out of the spray to give you a tiny spa experience. When you’re starting a new day, why wouldn’t you take an extra moment to ease and please your senses?
I found this German lady when I was scrolling on the couch. For me, her super calm accent and slow camera pans felt like a massage. I sat still for a few videos, lulled by her voice and when I got up, I felt less tired. With that energy, I decided to set myself up better. I took a few minutes to be more conscious about my space. I have an altar in my room but I didn’t have one in my kitchen or living room — until now.
An altar doesn’t have to be a space to sit in front of and meditate on, it can just be a place to rest your eyes, to find something satisfying that will fortify you.
tiny encouragements to pause and let the energy pool
